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Dear Dick Pic Men

Updated: Jul 27, 2019

If you’re a woman on social media, it’s likely going to happen to you eventually; you’re gonna open your messages, hoping to find something of value. Instead, your eyes will be assaulted by a photo of a man’s junk, and I’m not talking about the junk he keeps in the garage. This, my friends, is the Dick Pic, and they need to stop.

Dear Dick Pic Men:

First of all, just knock it off already; the dick pic sending----not your actual dick. But hey, whatever it takes for you to stop sending them if you have such a low lack of self-control. Because most women are not impressed by these photos. The only thing those pics tell us is that you only let one of your heads do most of your thinking. Judging by which one appears in the photo, it isn’t hard to see which one that is. Now, if the size of your dick was an accurate indicator of the size of your brain, then I’d be impressed! Maybe. But since it isn’t, let’s move on.

Aside from being creepy, the action of sending a dick pic is just plain rude, as well as a form of sexual harassment. Just because you’re flashing us online instead of in person does not mean this is acceptable. Women have been dealing with this kind of treatment for centuries, from cat calls when we’re just trying to take a simple walk through the neighborhood, to men plastering their eyes all over us in a way that makes us feel like we forgot to put on clothes. Now that we live in the modern world, dick pics are becoming an epidemic, or “dickpickademic,” if you will.

I don’t really have a clue what you think is supposed to happen when you flash us a picture of your willie. If it’s reciprocation in the form of what resides in our undies, good luck with that one, because most women are just going to hit that Block button and call it a day with the knowledge that one less good guy exists in the world. Congrats...you’ve officially found the best way to instantly alienate any potential dating partner or friend. In sending us that kind of picture, or “dickture,” what reaction (other than the slim chance of reciprocation) are you hoping to get? If you’re looking for shock value, well, you’ve accomplished that. But as for anything else, forget it, unless you’re thinking of disgust, because that’s more of an accurate representation of what we’re feeling when our eyes are assaulted by your smaller brain. If you’re trying to impress us, you’re barking up the wrong chicken here. Go back to the funny farm and crow. A dickture is worth a thousand turds.

Here are some of the things that actually would impress a woman. In fact, let’s use me as an example.

Things That Would Impress Me More than the World’s Biggest Dick if I Was Single:

-The size of your library. I read books, and I write books. Books are my life. If you’re a man that reads, you’ve already scored some brownie points. Show me a shelf full of books (and I mean real books, not comic books), and I’ll be very happy.

-The size of your heart. Empathy, sympathy, and just about anything else ending in -pathy are welcome here, as long as it’s not related to psychopathy. Most women are just looking for a man who isn’t afraid to show emotion or feeling. We don’t expect you to bawl your eyes out every time the “Remember Me” scene plays in Disney’s Coco, but for heaven’s sake, it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to cry at his mother’s funeral!

-Can you cook? When I’m lying on the couch too sick to move because of the latest assault of the common cold, you’d better not expect me to cook you dinner. And when I say, “Cook dinner please, would you honey?” I don’t mean dial for pizza, unless it’s been a month since we’ve eaten it.

-How clean are you? Do you come home from work and trash the house, or do you know how to operate a vacuum and wash a dish? I’m not your mother. Keep your home decent-looking and you’ll impress any woman. I don’t think immaculate should be a requirement, because that’s just too damn close to perfection, and perfection is boring. A happy medium will do. We just don’t like getting hit in the face by dirty sock odor upon entering the house.

-Are you good with kids? Because some women are not, and I’m one of them! Are you going to help them with homework when I’m busy cooking dinner? Or am I going to be expected to do those two things at the same time after a full day at my job? Just because I’m a woman, it does not mean I possess both maternal instincts and the knowledge of how to make lasagna without burning it. Share the workload!

-Can you hold down a job, or do you always have one foot out the door at your place of work? Sorry to break it to you, but women like financial stability because we constantly think of our children’s needs, even before they are born. When they’re in the womb, trust me---we’re already thinking about how much college is going to cost. At least, most of us mothers do. I used to, until my teenage son started taking care of himself. Now, that part of my life is bliss.

-Can you remember important things like my birthday without having to rely on Facebook reminders? It’s not rocket science to remember what happens on a few certain days of the year. If you can remember things like Christmas, I don’t think my birthday or our anniversary days are too much to be acknowledged.

-Are you going to be there for me in times of crisis? If my grandma or my dad become terminally ill or pass away, are you going to help me with end-of-life care or funeral arrangements, or am I going to have to muscle my way through my grief to get through those unbearable proceedings?

-Are your finances in order? Look, I don’t expect great wealth here. I just want to know that your car isn’t about to be repo’d.

-Will your parents get along with my parents? If they love starting fights with my family during the holiday celebrations, I really hope you have the balls to put them in their place and tell them to mind their own business. Just don't show them a photo. On that note, if you want to know the fastest and most effective way to be blocked, the dickture will be most effective.

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