Updated: Jun 25, 2018
I think I have at last found a sport I hate more than football. Motor Racing. And I wouldn't even consider racing a sport. It doesn't involve running, shooting, dribbling, throwing, passing balls, or swinging sticks to hit them with. If racing is a sport, than so is knitting. At least that one involves balls and sticks.
I mean, if motor racing is a sport, then why hasn't it been in the Olympics since 1900? Now that we've established that racing is in fact, not a sport according to my classifications (read: after--fact--checking--that--verifies--that--it--does--involve--extreme--physical--exertion--yet--I--still--don't--care), I can tell you why I think it's a big, expensive waste of time to see it in person vs. seeing it on television.
WHY IT'S BETTER ON TELEVISION
1. You don't have to drive halfway across the country to see the big event. All you have to do is turn on your television, press a few buttons, crack open a beer, and if you're feeling adventurous, whip up a pot of chili. No gas money down the drain, no highway tolls, and no traffic--------just you, your buddies, and your poison of choice.
2. You don't have to pay for parking or spend an hour walking in the hot sun just to get to the track itself. We parked in row "N," had to walk all the way to row "A," then walk the same distance back to even get to the track entrance upon arrival. After hiking up to our seats, we then had to repeat the experience in order to leave the place. This problem could have easily been avoided if there were tunnels or walkways where you could cut through, instead of having to walk around the entire track to get where you needed to go.
3. You don't have to sell your children to pay for the food you'll eat. We paid three dollars for every bottle of water we swigged down yesterday at the race track. With it being hot and sunny, you can imagine how much we went through. For three people, we spent thirty bucks on lunch consisting of one food item each (which did not fill us up) and three bottles of water. Later on, we spent another eighteen bucks on water, one ice cream, and a small mango smoothie. We blew about seventy bucks on food, which left us nothing to use on souvenirs. Not that we were about to pay 26 dollars for a baseball hat that was made in China anyway.
4. Better bathroom facilities. You would think that under the following true conditions...
--the race track is raking in more gold than Scrooge McDuck in his money pit.
--the races have been held there for over FORTY years.
--bad smells tend to grow worse in the summer heat.
--Andria Redlin was going to be dragged to said track against her will (and better judgement).
...that we ought to have better places to pee than porta-pottys by now. It's 2018, people. Gone are the days when we in America must aim for a smelly hole in the ground. Even the local fairground has real bathrooms, bathrooms that don't shake when you enter them, have the required elements of hand washing, and don't have brown stains smeared on the insides of the doors. I'm literally starting to get queasy as I write this. Trust me, you are better off at home.
5. You don't get burnt to cinders by the sun.
I don't care how much sunscreen you bathe in. You will miss a spot. This spot will turn shades of red you didn't know existed, burn like hot pepper juice for a few days, then peel like a snake skin, leaving you with a brown outline that will probably take a year to go away, depending on how bad the damage was. Oh and by the way, I just read that sunscreen causes skin cancer. Enjoy your summer.
6. Commercials actually come in handy. Whether you need to stretch your legs, eat, pee, or refill your beer mug, you can do it all without missing any of the action on television. Unless you like being bombarded by ads of course.
7. You can avoid the crowds. At home, there are no bathroom lines, no super-tall people blocking your view, and no chance of getting lost (unless you live in a McMansion). You also don't have to deal with screaming drunk people that like to take their clothes off, unless you look into a mirror. Sorry-----I just had to do that. You never know who you'll be sitting next to at an event. This was my seatmate:
8. Risk of boredom between-races is eliminated. The business of television is to entertain, so there is always something to watch while awaiting the next race. Not being a race fan, this was a huge one for me. Two cars would race every five minutes or so, but in between that we spent our time broiling in the sun, straining our ears to hear the announcer guy. In addition to that, I was lamenting all the time I could have spent at home writing my sixth book. Truly.
9. Your seat is always a good one, and not just because it's your couch. And you didn't even have to pay extra for it. Our "poor-man's seats" were a whopping sixty bucks a ticket. At least when you watch the race at home, the cameras follow the cars as they progress down the track, give you great closeups for the race itself, driver interviews and plenty of other things to keep you occupied while waiting for the next pair of cars to come zooming down the track.
10. If racing isn't your cup of java, you can just leave the room and find something more fun to do, like cleaning the oven. Dealing with all the above-mentioned annoyances is tough enough when you're actually a fan. It's another rotten pile of garbage altogether when you're dragged to the racetrack when you didn't want to go in the first place.
The sad thing is, I wish I liked racing and other sports. I wish I could see the thrill, enjoy the event, and feel the excitement. But I can't. It's not my thing, nor will it ever be. I get about as much pleasure from sports as a man would get from a bikini wax, though without the excessive amount of pain. So why did I go? I think I was tricked.
I can often be found doing this:
And often, this:
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